You're your own enemy

Lately I've been thinking what are the pressors for low self esteem... 

Is it jealousy? Judgement? Any form of assessment? 

Or could it be... yourself? 

The latter is my personal answer. 

The reasons being, 

1. I noticed I would always shrug off compliments such as "you're smart", "don't worry, you can definitely do it because you're Yi Sin." Even though my grades are shown through assessments,but they don't usually boost my esteem TOO much. (Though it does sometimes but I really don't wanna let it get to my head) 

2. Since young I've been provided with all the basic necessities and there isn't much for me to feel jealous of. Though there's different degree of how much people deserve what they get, I don't think jealousy affects me much. (If you talk about spoilt brats then it's a totally different story. Haha) 

3. Judgement. The world is so full of it that makes me sick. To be honest, I only care about lecturers' (or teachers back then) comments because they're mostly constructive and help me grow to be better, instead of those noises trying to sound like they know you. What I can say is, 90% of what people think is, you are not good enough. 

I think we are our own devil and angel because... Simply put, you know yourself best. Even if you hear bad remarks which are meant to bring you down, it won't affect you if you let it slide, because you know it's not true! 

We all have an angel and a devil inside us... Whichever wins, is the one we feed. 

Till then! 

What are you chasing for?

I'm guessing Med school really does help me grow into a more mature person. I'm in sem 2 now and it wasn't exactly easy to get here, just like everything else, nothing is easy. That said, it's not the toughest task either.

I've lost a couple of friends (high school or uni), but that made me stronger. At the very least, I've learnt to not bend over for people who wouldn't do as much for me. Of course I did sit down and think about things such as 

1. Will they do the same for me if I were the one needing help? 

2. How sure am I that the same incident wouldn't happen again? After all, leopard never changes its spot. 

3. If they were real friends, why would they backstab / use / ditch me when they found new friends? 

*if the answers are positive, proceed to confrontation. 

However, most of the time, it made me see through their motives from the past, and I gave up for the better. 

I turned 20 this year, and the most important I realised was that, 

The older you become, the lesser friends celebrate with you, but cherish those friends because they are the ones who would stick with you through it all. I've had ex-best friends who didn't even bother to wish 'happy birthday'. I wasn't dying for it, but I'm grateful how much these little things make me see how much I meant to them, so I could get them out before I've fallen too deep or gotten too affected by it.

With all this, I'm not saying I'm the best friend ever, but I do try to be in my own ways. 

I make sure I'm always here for friends who need help in ways I'm able to assist them. I can be all ears but I'm barely the one that would start talking often, at times I do feel like a nuisance for 'annoying' people. 

Another issue is that, what am I exactly chasing for? 

Fame? Status? Superficial goods? Popularity? 

A future I've always dreamt of? To be able to reach out to the needy? 

Latter sounds closer to my heart. 

All in all, I'm sick of people who only look for shortcuts and not putting in enough effort for their own good.