💔

Be with someone that secretly figures out your hidden Tumblr account and bothers to go through it every single morning just to know how you feel, and would give you a call or sweet message when he finds out you've been feeling blue through the Tumblr posts. 

Be with someone who messages you first thing in the morning like you would. Someone that thinks of you first thing in the morning and last thing at night. 

Be with someone that surprises you with the little things in life although it may not be expensive, but simple gestures just because. Be with someone who loves you as much as you do or beyond. 

Be with someone who knows you in silence. Be with someone that can read you through your emotions, someone who wipes off your tears and vows to never be the reason of your tears again. 

Be with someone who keeps their promises. Be with someone who would never repeat their mistakes. 

Ability

Few years ago when I was still a teen, I wished to grow up sooner. Few years later, I still wish for the ability to get all the negative influence out of my life. ALL. Every each one of them. I know in a few years time I will be able to. So I guess perseverance is really a virtue. 

As cliche as it sounds, but I don't think anyone fully understands. And no one really bothers to tear down all the walls to get to it either.

 

Living life on a fast track

Lately I feel that... Life is flashing so fast right in front of my eyes. 

When I first entered year 1, I volunteered to be the class representative. Thinking I could be the change I wished to see (hopefully I did) and not knowing or expecting what could come next. Of course there were ups and downs which I'm so proud of myself for overcoming all of those, if not I wouldn't be where I am today (and I still strive to improve ). There were conflicts and backstab but looking back, it doesn't matter even the slightest anymore. If anything I would like to grab a popcorn looking at the flashback if I had to and watch it like a comedy. 

3 months before Year 2 I was nominated to join the SRC (Student Representatitve Council) and MedSoc, I'm so grateful where I ended up and can't thank God enough for all the lessons learnt and priceless experience. From there, I started knowing a lot more people from different walks of life, faculties and people of all sorts of personalities. I started to gain a lot more understanding and patience dealing with them. I also learnt to adapt to busy life like rushing to 2 meetings on the same day after a long day of classes from 8am-4pm (sometimes even right after exam), months of event planning, preparations before event after classes, or even organizing an event via email during my meal time. Busy but contented I would say. I love it because I know I'm living life with a purpose; to serve and to pursue my dream. 

Beside, I love the opportunities that MAHSA Helping Hands grant me with. Volunteering has always been near to my heart but I've stopped volunteering at Make-A-Wish Malaysia ever since I've joined MBBS due to my hectic schedule. But being in the Helping Hands family gives me the greatest chance of volunteering at all different organizations which scheduled perfectly according to our holidays and free time. This makes me feel as if everything is perfectly planned out for me. 

Moving on from university life, my family has been more understanding and silently provides me with the space I need to grow. Personally, I'm not the type of person where I love being controlled. I hate boundaries. I hate it when I'm trapped in a cage. So, freedom and space are the things I need most for growth. I'm so sorry that it seems like I'm falling out of track, but I would ensure anyone that I'm not. It's just that I've realised it's so important to spend time with my friends. I've always been a loner to be honest, I've always had the insecurity that anyone could backstab me so perhaps it's better to stay on the outside while everyone else is having fun being in the circle of friendship. But I believe I've found the right friends and I can't be happier being out with them. I can't thank them enough of how we click and how many common interests we share. 

All in all, I've learnt so much in just a span of few months and still have soooo much to learn along this journey. 😊

Family

One of the sweetest things I've heard so far, is when you said you'd hang around me for a long time. :') 

I know we constantly fight which most of the times would end up in laughter, at times you also get on my nerves like seriously. :O 

But undeniably I love you soooo much. Thanks for everything, from taking care of me to keeping me on track so I don't mix with bad influence, from cooking delicious food to understanding what I'm talking bout with food in my mouth :p nobody can tolerate me the way you do. Nobody in my life would ever take my manja-ness and laziness like you do. 

You're my inspiration when it comes to bravery. You're so strong I wish I inherited half of your strength when facing difficulty, which at this point I'm very sure I don't just yet. I'm so afraid of pain, sickness and losing my loved ones. I remembered how you braved through the tough times we experienced when grandpa passed away. It took me so long to get over it, I'm sure it was doubled for you. Traumatized; but you didn't cry as much as I did. You didn't mourn every single day. I remember when you were sick, we were too afraid of losing you but you told us to be strong instead. And when I was ill, you told me not to cry as it'd be alright. Thanks for showing me how to be strong. Maybe it comes with age but I just wanna tell you that you inspired me to stand tall on my feet and never, never back down. 

You're the reason I wanna come home (although sometimes otherwise when my ego takes over). Sure, I know that one of the reasons I don't study outstation is that I'm still attached to my family very much, but this is also why I look forward to come home. I look forward to see you. I love the fact that I still have the chance to learn how to appreciate you (slowly but surely). Nevertheless, thanks for appreciating the little things I can do for you; like baking a cake on your birthday or helping out at home when you needed etc. I would love to double the things I'm able to do just for you. 

You're just like my mommy, you've never left my side even for a day, or half a day. You're always the one who asks how am I feeling whenever I'm sick. I'm so sorry that most of the time I'm not even half as caring. 

To be honest ever since grandpa passed away, I've been thinking bout death every single day. As in, I constantly ask myself what would I do if anyone in my life right now is gone suddenly. And thanks for saying that you'd hang around me for a long time because I needed to hear it badly. I need you to be around until I'm successful, until I'm able to support the family like how dad does, until I can afford to get my own properties and let you call it home. 

One day, I wanna be able to show you the person you've molded me into (in our definition of successful), and repay all the greatness and light you've shone in my life. 

Please be healthy and stay with me for the longest time. <3 

#thoughtpost

Stealing sometime from retrieving my life opps, I meant to say files. Exam in a weeks time, but then again in which week we don't have some sort of assessment or exam or tutorial or practical? Haha.

According to chronology, I'm in Year 2 MBBS now. How time flies right. And what happened within a good year? Let's see.

1. I've learnt who are my true friends.
   We were just talking bout how lucky we are not having to go through other groups just to find our niche. Surely there were ups and downs, downpour was so heartbreaking but it taught me A LOT. It thought me to trust people appropriately; if you ever know some 'friends' are toxic, then discard them. It may sound heartless or whatnot, but trust me, you'd thank me if you do that after reading this. It could save you from helluva trouble. On the other hand, please be very thankful to those who are there for you, because I've learnt that it's not their job to be there for you, it's their CHOICE. Someone made a decision to stick with you through your ugliest times, wipe your tears and they might even knock some sense into your thick skull forcefully, but they're the realest people of all.

2. Always love like Augustus Waters exists.
lol at the title though but anyway! Yes, always trust love. Always love deeply. Always love like you've never been hurt before. We are practically still young no matter how 'old' we feel because afterall, medical students don't have much "life" in others' eyes. But that's not entirely true, because 'fun' is a very subjective thing. Nobody has ever set the rules saying clubbing is the only fun thing. So... love deeply while you're still young. Make sure you've no regrets.

3. The more people you meet, the more secrets you dig.
Wow that kinda rhymes. This world...is corrupted. No doubt. Every corner you turn, there's backstabber, there's pretender, there's evil but there's also angels. Take on the world with wide eyes, look carefully. Listen to people's stories and analyse it yourself. See things for yourself too and not to believe in each story fully until you witness it with your eyes (well, not applicable for some stuff). I mean, seeing is believing right?

One of the things I've realised is that you should never be anybody's shadow, following them. Surely, there are people who wants the best for you; leading you along the way, shaping you into the person they'd love to see. But you could only use the advice, improvise and assimilate it into the things you're passionate about, because they're not you and it's not right wanting to change a person into someone you WANT.