Family

One of the sweetest things I've heard so far, is when you said you'd hang around me for a long time. :') 

I know we constantly fight which most of the times would end up in laughter, at times you also get on my nerves like seriously. :O 

But undeniably I love you soooo much. Thanks for everything, from taking care of me to keeping me on track so I don't mix with bad influence, from cooking delicious food to understanding what I'm talking bout with food in my mouth :p nobody can tolerate me the way you do. Nobody in my life would ever take my manja-ness and laziness like you do. 

You're my inspiration when it comes to bravery. You're so strong I wish I inherited half of your strength when facing difficulty, which at this point I'm very sure I don't just yet. I'm so afraid of pain, sickness and losing my loved ones. I remembered how you braved through the tough times we experienced when grandpa passed away. It took me so long to get over it, I'm sure it was doubled for you. Traumatized; but you didn't cry as much as I did. You didn't mourn every single day. I remember when you were sick, we were too afraid of losing you but you told us to be strong instead. And when I was ill, you told me not to cry as it'd be alright. Thanks for showing me how to be strong. Maybe it comes with age but I just wanna tell you that you inspired me to stand tall on my feet and never, never back down. 

You're the reason I wanna come home (although sometimes otherwise when my ego takes over). Sure, I know that one of the reasons I don't study outstation is that I'm still attached to my family very much, but this is also why I look forward to come home. I look forward to see you. I love the fact that I still have the chance to learn how to appreciate you (slowly but surely). Nevertheless, thanks for appreciating the little things I can do for you; like baking a cake on your birthday or helping out at home when you needed etc. I would love to double the things I'm able to do just for you. 

You're just like my mommy, you've never left my side even for a day, or half a day. You're always the one who asks how am I feeling whenever I'm sick. I'm so sorry that most of the time I'm not even half as caring. 

To be honest ever since grandpa passed away, I've been thinking bout death every single day. As in, I constantly ask myself what would I do if anyone in my life right now is gone suddenly. And thanks for saying that you'd hang around me for a long time because I needed to hear it badly. I need you to be around until I'm successful, until I'm able to support the family like how dad does, until I can afford to get my own properties and let you call it home. 

One day, I wanna be able to show you the person you've molded me into (in our definition of successful), and repay all the greatness and light you've shone in my life. 

Please be healthy and stay with me for the longest time. <3 

#thoughtpost

Stealing sometime from retrieving my life opps, I meant to say files. Exam in a weeks time, but then again in which week we don't have some sort of assessment or exam or tutorial or practical? Haha.

According to chronology, I'm in Year 2 MBBS now. How time flies right. And what happened within a good year? Let's see.

1. I've learnt who are my true friends.
   We were just talking bout how lucky we are not having to go through other groups just to find our niche. Surely there were ups and downs, downpour was so heartbreaking but it taught me A LOT. It thought me to trust people appropriately; if you ever know some 'friends' are toxic, then discard them. It may sound heartless or whatnot, but trust me, you'd thank me if you do that after reading this. It could save you from helluva trouble. On the other hand, please be very thankful to those who are there for you, because I've learnt that it's not their job to be there for you, it's their CHOICE. Someone made a decision to stick with you through your ugliest times, wipe your tears and they might even knock some sense into your thick skull forcefully, but they're the realest people of all.

2. Always love like Augustus Waters exists.
lol at the title though but anyway! Yes, always trust love. Always love deeply. Always love like you've never been hurt before. We are practically still young no matter how 'old' we feel because afterall, medical students don't have much "life" in others' eyes. But that's not entirely true, because 'fun' is a very subjective thing. Nobody has ever set the rules saying clubbing is the only fun thing. So... love deeply while you're still young. Make sure you've no regrets.

3. The more people you meet, the more secrets you dig.
Wow that kinda rhymes. This world...is corrupted. No doubt. Every corner you turn, there's backstabber, there's pretender, there's evil but there's also angels. Take on the world with wide eyes, look carefully. Listen to people's stories and analyse it yourself. See things for yourself too and not to believe in each story fully until you witness it with your eyes (well, not applicable for some stuff). I mean, seeing is believing right?

One of the things I've realised is that you should never be anybody's shadow, following them. Surely, there are people who wants the best for you; leading you along the way, shaping you into the person they'd love to see. But you could only use the advice, improvise and assimilate it into the things you're passionate about, because they're not you and it's not right wanting to change a person into someone you WANT. 

Stuck in reverse?

There's no point pulling anyone down, because the only thing that would happen is that they will find a way to get back up and soar higher. No one will stay on the ground forever. 

Just like an arrow can only be pulled backward, people are gonna be stronger and venture into something GREATER. 

Likewise for making someone sad. Once the person had a taste of sadness, happiness comes twofold better. The person would've learnt to appreciate happiness because sadness wasn't easy to endure, but during the downfall, the lesson learnt was priceless. 

There's really no point, so give it up. 

Reality

It's not that I'm not aware of finding ways to survive, but if we only live once, would you wanna be fooling yourself? 

I can survive in my own ways. I can say "I did it with my own hardwork" anytime, and that's what matters to me. :) 

How about you? 

You're your own enemy

Lately I've been thinking what are the pressors for low self esteem... 

Is it jealousy? Judgement? Any form of assessment? 

Or could it be... yourself? 

The latter is my personal answer. 

The reasons being, 

1. I noticed I would always shrug off compliments such as "you're smart", "don't worry, you can definitely do it because you're Yi Sin." Even though my grades are shown through assessments,but they don't usually boost my esteem TOO much. (Though it does sometimes but I really don't wanna let it get to my head) 

2. Since young I've been provided with all the basic necessities and there isn't much for me to feel jealous of. Though there's different degree of how much people deserve what they get, I don't think jealousy affects me much. (If you talk about spoilt brats then it's a totally different story. Haha) 

3. Judgement. The world is so full of it that makes me sick. To be honest, I only care about lecturers' (or teachers back then) comments because they're mostly constructive and help me grow to be better, instead of those noises trying to sound like they know you. What I can say is, 90% of what people think is, you are not good enough. 

I think we are our own devil and angel because... Simply put, you know yourself best. Even if you hear bad remarks which are meant to bring you down, it won't affect you if you let it slide, because you know it's not true! 

We all have an angel and a devil inside us... Whichever wins, is the one we feed. 

Till then! 

What are you chasing for?

I'm guessing Med school really does help me grow into a more mature person. I'm in sem 2 now and it wasn't exactly easy to get here, just like everything else, nothing is easy. That said, it's not the toughest task either.

I've lost a couple of friends (high school or uni), but that made me stronger. At the very least, I've learnt to not bend over for people who wouldn't do as much for me. Of course I did sit down and think about things such as 

1. Will they do the same for me if I were the one needing help? 

2. How sure am I that the same incident wouldn't happen again? After all, leopard never changes its spot. 

3. If they were real friends, why would they backstab / use / ditch me when they found new friends? 

*if the answers are positive, proceed to confrontation. 

However, most of the time, it made me see through their motives from the past, and I gave up for the better. 

I turned 20 this year, and the most important I realised was that, 

The older you become, the lesser friends celebrate with you, but cherish those friends because they are the ones who would stick with you through it all. I've had ex-best friends who didn't even bother to wish 'happy birthday'. I wasn't dying for it, but I'm grateful how much these little things make me see how much I meant to them, so I could get them out before I've fallen too deep or gotten too affected by it.

With all this, I'm not saying I'm the best friend ever, but I do try to be in my own ways. 

I make sure I'm always here for friends who need help in ways I'm able to assist them. I can be all ears but I'm barely the one that would start talking often, at times I do feel like a nuisance for 'annoying' people. 

Another issue is that, what am I exactly chasing for? 

Fame? Status? Superficial goods? Popularity? 

A future I've always dreamt of? To be able to reach out to the needy? 

Latter sounds closer to my heart. 

All in all, I'm sick of people who only look for shortcuts and not putting in enough effort for their own good.